whelp
i had a vision of what my life would be like now and it's sort of fallen apart
well, not entirely fallen apart. only maybe half fallen apart
but the part that i felt the most sure that i wanted to set up for my longer term (ie, not nebulous things like 'figure out a partner') got messed up
on one hand it's true, between moving + flight training + burning man planning (?) + family therapy, adding on doing "interviews" was maybe too much
at the same time, did i do everything for those interviews? prolly not. do the places that i care about also have a tendency to quote Lyndon B Johnson slightly too much? also yes
i can't go back to my old job cause my creeper dad is there (also the shame, also the crap-code-i-wrote-a-decade-ago that would still occasionally chase me, also the 'ugh big co')
i also messed up and used too many places as warm ups (...and it didn't quite exactly do much good, cause the questions were just different enough...), so the other big cos are out too
the startups i interviewed at either find me too research-y or not research-y enough? prolly also doesn't help that they're getting bound on $$ these days
options
i'm not fully out of options but i definitely feel a little that way
product/infra teams are one direction. begging my way on to that would be doable, but i'd definitely have to be able to knock that out of the park and problem is i think my experience there is maybe too weak
working on my own things would be ok? focus and motivation is hard
i pretty much feel as though i'm going to start going down this path where i'm basically machete-ing every single part of the safety net that i've got ($$ aside) hoping that my subconscious one of these days is going to decide that i've got no choice but to go in the direction i need to go in but... i dunno
hi thanks for reading rant; i think only one person reads these anyway...