yet-another-ML+anxiety post
this past week has sorta sucked.
i thought it was going to be nice -- did a long hike, had a date planned -- but the date was a dud, and I spent most of the week freaking out about the outcome of the elections, on top of all of the normal life + work stress
reconnected with an old mentor of mine as part of it
he's further along the burn down list of stuff to do for ML than my current place is at. and it's apparently working. like, just working, without that that much tweaking.
we might not get asi. but we're probably getting something on the same level as a college graduate.
directional brainstorming notes
big thing i'm currently wondering is so what do i do?
there's a few different axis to optimize over so just going to list those out then try and see
career stuff
i don't feel like i'm close enough to the technical rooms where it's happening now to really make a difference/use that to be a way to get closer to the rooms in general. time to have done that would've been a year or three ago i think, but i wanted to live life first. and (as i'm pretty sure i'm [re-]confirming to myself now) my un-diagnosed adhd is pretty incompatible with being part of the sort of grind expected there
going via policy would be interesting, but it's too slow and full of ea folks. also trump lol.
changing from my current path also requires... going to something else that i feel ok about and i'm not so sure about anything to want to do that, but i also don't know what my options are otherwise. at least, don't know what would enable to have the sort of life i'm interested in, holistically
dating + family
ooooof have i been complaining about this one recently.
i'm a little tempted, since i can't figure out the career stuff, just to go "meh fuck it, let's bail and make some babies and focus on hobbies and stop caring about the rest of this" but that's not only escapist but also pretty impractical given the lack of an actual partner
given how the career stuff was part (though not the only thing) that contributed to the recent breakup where i liked the person emotionally in a bunch of ways... holy hell has "eh we could just get back together" started flaring up a lot
reality is we prolly shouldn't since i'd still be incredibly sketched out by some of his bad decision making (and he'd be probably annoyed by... well, all the faults that i had lol)
but aaaaaaaaaaah i missed the social life and support and all of that which i was getting from him
and i actually sorta liked the lightly co-dependent way he could be at times, sigh, since that fit in well with my emotional needs :3
ahhh but why was his decision making + expectations around some stuff so bad. and i guess we were both a little stubborn/escalate-y, and would've had to spend some time working through that, but... yeah
anyway, that vent about the ex aside, i guess i'm probably not in a position to execute on any of the things here
...which means i'm just in a holding pattern
hobbies and other things
there's another part of me that's tempted -- since i can't yolo out on career or the family things right now -- just to get deep into the hobby things
but that also feels like such... medium term gratification? like it's both nice but also sorta doesn't matter and maybe would help social/dating life (from ability to meet more people via group activities), but the ones i'm thinking of would also take so much time....
anyway. i dunno. i'm venting but yeah.